THE GRUMPY CHRONICLES: We Be Skiing Now!

The Ski Swap

“There’s a ski swap coming up in a couple of weeks, would that be something you might be interested in?” 

“What exactly is a ski swap?” 

“Well,” my wife replied, “people bring in their used skis to sell. We could get a good deal on downhill skis if we wanted to start skiing. Would you like to do something like that? We should. We need to find something to do in the winter, don’t you think?”

“Really?” I put down the remote control and thought about what she had said. “Skis, boots, bindings, all of that is for sale?” I was probably more intrigued than she had expected.

“Yeah, all of it, and some of its good stuff too. If you are interested, I’ll book us a time. They only take so many at once.” 

“When’s the swap?”

“November 5^th,” she replied. “Is that going to interfere with the baseball playoffs?”

“Who cares, book it! I’m all in!” Now I was seriously warming to the task. “Okay, we go, someone there assists us and we can pick up pretty much everything we require to go downhill skiing this winter?”

“Yeah, that’s it. Should I book it?” 

“Do it! I’m actually a pretty good skier, you know?” I was sort of half serious. 

“Yeah, so you’ve said,” she was smiling. “Okay, done, booked, November 5^th at 5:30 pm.”

The Volkl skis I got? So apparently they are a decent set and also expensive to buy new, or that at least is what the sales guy who picked them out for me had said. I know next to nothing about ski equipment, so I took his word for it and then when we got home I looked it up to see if he was bullshitting me; turns out he was telling the truth, they are good skis and will most likely last me a long time. The boots are an average pair designed for an average skier, making them perfect for me (as much as I hate to admit being average at anything athletic, for the moment anyway that is where I am at). The bindings? Yeah, who the Hell knows. Should I know? I don’t actually know.

Anyway, we walked away from the swap each with skis, boots and bindings, and we did it without breaking the bank account (especially important for us newly retired). Our daughter in law who is a very good skier, got us both poles for Christmas. Pants, jackets and gloves we ordered online. There was however a slight reticence on my part regarding me wearing a helmet; look, I never wore one EVER and although I fully understand that protecting one’s brain basket is very good for life longevity, I still live with a little of the “invincible” inside me, foolish as that may be. My wife who is far wiser than I, laid down the law and stated that skiing “sans helmet” was NOT an option, so in the end I got the bloody helmet. Truth be told, it’s not so bad, really! 

How it all began

It was late 70’s / early 80’s, Junior High, and the school I attended worked out a deal with the Fernie Ski hill which is about an hour’s drive to the West. It was for us kids to go once a week. Our parents would pay a flat fee which included rental equipment, lift ticket and lessons. The few who did have skis used their own and obviously paid less. I believe the program was for 6 trips per winter. It was the first time many of us kids had been exposed to the sport. We were a coal mining town on the East slopes of the Rocky Mountains, hockey ruled the roost and while there were of course downhill skiers amongst us, I don’t honestly remember there being much in the way of a skiing culture. 

How did the skiing go? Well, I do believe it was one of the seminal moments of my childhood. Seriously, I loved everything about the whole experience. I still remember the bus rides to and from the hill: the early morning gatherings in the dark, the frozen seats and frosted windows of the school bus, the excited chatter as we’d pull into the parking lot of the hill. I also remember the rides home, the boom box at the back of the bus, busting out the moves to Hall and Oates “Private Eyes” and Foreigner’s “Urgent” in a very misguided attempt to impress the girls. Gimme a break Man, I was 13! The actual skiing? Listen, I was a hockey player, so I took to the sport quickly and yes, most definitely I was hooked. At some point later on down the line in life I would take up this sport in earnest, absolutely for sure, no doubt about it. Then real life showed up. It’s been 41 years since those halcyon days of youth and going into this winter I had been skiing exactly once since then.

Okay, so let’s do this ski thing already

OH MY GOD! The first time off the Chair I looked downslope and thought, “Holy shit that is steep, isn’t this supposed to be a Green Run?” Well, it was a Green Run and it wasn’t that bad in the end. We made it down the mountain without breaking anything, the first successful run for me in 17 years! To be fair, I did fall once, right before getting back on the chair. I was pissing around, got my skis crossed, and DOWN I went! Fucking Hell eh? Not so easy getting up either lol! Anyway, with each run now the confidence grows and the comfort level increases. And in case you are wondering, it’s FUCKING AMAZING!

Do I enjoy it? Listen, every single time we get home I drive Max crazy because all I can say is “wasn’t that fun? God I loved that! I could do that everyday, how about you? Did you have fun today? I did! That was amazing!” I am sure she is thinking “just shut the fuck up all ready and go drink your Nespresso!”

As I write this, the flakes are the size of silver dollars and falling fast. There is a SNOWFALL WARNING in place. It wasn’t snowing quite like this today at Castle Mountain but it did snow steady and slow. The whole scene was magical! It didn’t start out quite that way when I had a freak out trying to get my skis on. Don’t even ask! I am certain that I was the only foul tempered human on the Hill for that brief moment but yeah, it passed. Of course it did because seriously, nobody is ever pissed on a ski hill! It’s the happiest place I have ever seen, everyone just walks around smiling ear to ear! Even me!

Okay, so I’m going to throw this out there as well – golf, yeah you! You can suck it! Skiing crushes you for fun! I am not even joking! I am an angry golfer and even when I am having an amazing round there is still rage bubbling just under the surface. No matter how good it was, I could have been better, and that pisses me off. Golf is emotional warfare (I am in full on battle with myself) and I seem to lose more than I win and I really hate losing. God finds this all quite humorous, making it so I go out regularly for an ego battering. Fair enough, but when I ski, it’s the exact opposite; I tried very hard today to be angry and I failed, absolutely! Being on skis, riding the chair up, that first swoosh as you make your way down – it’s spiritual and emotional harmony! I can’t explain it any better than that! For a brief moment it’s just us, the hill and complete and unconditional happiness!

You know, I think Old Man Winter and me, we might be friends again! I missed you pal!