THE GRUMPY CHRONICLES – A Day In The Life

It’s really no secret, along with Peloton and Lululemon, I hate Costco. It’s not the store itself I hate but the constant crowds, rude behavior and lack of parking. The Costco in Lethbridge? I fucking hate that place. The Costco in Okotoks? Not as much, and it’s only 10 more minutes of driving; Max was in need of a Costco run and I was in need of a new dress pair of eye glasses, so off to Okotoks we went.

And speaking of dress, we must of course be properly attired for our trip to the city. This means track pants are out (I know they are comfortable but stores are not gymnasiums), as are jeans, no matter how much you may have paid for them. Proper footwear is also expected (which means no trainers, I am not a thug from East London). The sweater I wore is an old one but well cared for. I wanted to wear a different one, my favourite, but it isn’t fitting so well right now, I no doubt shrunk it accidentally, right? And finally, for my choice of headgear I chose my patch pattern flat cap over the trilby, mostly because the flat cap would keep my bald head a little warmer. 

I was taught by my father that one should always dress appropriately for the occasion. I often chose to ignore this lesson when it suited me (and let’s be honest, I was a rebellious bastard), but I never forgot it and I as I get older I find myself falling more into alignment with what I was taught as a boy.

So anyways, yeah, once in Okotoks (and yes, I realize it’s not “the” city), our first order of business was to take care of Marty and shop for eyeglasses. Now don’t go all sanctimonious on me here, we do this so Max can shop in peace and the bill stays under some semblance of acceptability. I like to buy stuff, stuff that isn’t always needed. New eyeglasses though were very much needed; this World-famous essayist and blogger is also at the forefront of “distinguished gentlemanly fashion” therefore I must present myself as such. The glasses themselves? Well, the frames I selected were dark, bold, different, intellectual – they’re Tom Ford, bitches! Need I say more?

Max asked me on the way up if I had remembered my eye prescription. Hmmf, ah yeah, of course I did. Except, as we discovered when we got inside the store, the prescription I brought with me was from 3 years ago. Fucking Hell eh? Good thing Costco had the latest prescription on file from the last time I was in.

My business completed, it was back to the car with Bodhi Boy to get down to the serious business at hand – rocking out to Huey Lewis and the News! Come on now, it’s classic shit and it helps pass the time. Besides, there were no interesting flights to track on Flightradar24 going in and out of YYC so what else can I do?

We could people watch; I love watching people go about their daily business and find that often this is when they are their funniest, when they think nobody is watching and are just being natural. But today, yeah, everyone acting boring and nondescript. Okay, why not check out the drivers of all the luxury vehicles in the parking lot? There were a few too – Mercedes, Audi, Lincoln, even a Maserati. We did have some success here; the drivers all look like a bunch of fucking twats, but then again, that’s coming from a knobhead toff sitting behind the wheel of a Cadillac, grooving to 80’s pop music with a ragamuffin dog who looks like a burnt-out guitarist from Queen. Fucking eh!!!

Shopping completed, it was time for lunch, Fatburger of course! Instead of dining in, we chose instead to take lunch out to “Big Rock” Southwest of Okotoks. This was not exactly a success; every effort was made to contain spillage, but I am a mess pot and some of the grease leaked through, my cool pair of modern-day rugby pants is ruined. Maybe I should have worn those fucking jeans, eh?

“Big Rock” itself is pretty cool but I strongly urge you to watch where you step if getting out of the vehicle. I almost stepped on not one but two “used”condoms. Listen you hedonistic Neanderthals, nobody begrudges you a little late night rumpy pumpy but proper sanitary and hygiene rules must be followed.

So that was our day out to the big town. Most days are not nearly as exciting; most days I am a fat mess on the couch raging about the current state of the NHL, most days I am disgusted by what I read in the news, and yes, most days I eat way too much candy! Then again, candy makes one happy, doesn’t it? And again, so sorry but it wouldn’t be a post without saying – fuck you Peloton!!!

Happy Trails Y’all!!!