THE GRUMPY CHRONICLES: A Brave New World

I still set an alarm; you know? It is however very rare that I need it to get up. Most mornings I am awake well beforehand, sipping a Nespresso and greeting the new day with a smile as bright as the Sun itself. Shortly thereafter its off to golf where any semblance of happiness is quickly and efficiently erased (kidding of course). I am only golfing 4 to 5 days a week, the rest of the time is spent watering my roses, doing busy shit with my John Deere tractor and whatever else I may or may not want to do. As you can imagine, it’s a grind, but we KBO and somehow make it through the day, throwing in at least one happy dance which for me is about 30 seconds of full on headbanging (any more than that and one risks serious injury). 

I am doing very, very okay!!!           

Being home, as opposed to that work thing, I find also that I am spending an inordinate amount of time sitting on the porch, listening to the sounds of summer, drinking coffee, and allowing the gentle breeze of the day wash away the cares and pressures of a world that takes great delight in grinding the human spirit out of each and every one of us. We are tiny little cogs in the ever-present pursuit of corporate greed, and this little cog has gone rogue – call it retirement, resignation, or use any phrase you wish, but I’m out. 

Me personally, I am not retiring from anything. One retires when the gig’s up; you are old, washed out, can’t take that puck end to end anymore. That’s not what we are doing here. I just want more, that’s it, that’s all! Contrary to what the Dickhead Boomer Generation has led us to believe, we were not put on this Earth to go to work, it’s part of our life but not all. I also am of the opinion that we as individuals have the power to create and live in a world of our own choosing. If you don’t like the world you inhabit, change it! Sounds simple, right? It isn’t! Truth is, it’s fucking scary as shit! But I am going to do it anyway! 

Why now? Well I say, why not now? YOLO, right? Wrong! You only DIE once, but each and every day you LIVE! The big question is, just what in the Hell are you going to do with this gift of life? Well peoples, I may have a few things in mind.

#VANLIFE! So, I recently read an article in the Times of London (yeah, I read the Times of London) by Stuart Heritage on #vanlife. Now young Stuart here calls #vanlife “middle class” and “aspirational”. OUCH!!! Me being me, I immediately thought “fuck you Stuart, you pretentious piss ant” but if you go by Stuart’s definition of #vanlife – condensing your existence to the barest of essentials in a van (preferably converted by yourself) to discover the most authentic nooks and cracks that the country has to offer – well yeah okay, Stuey Boy may have a point! That’s not me, oh no! Grumpymarty is NOT condensing ANYTHING! We are simply intrepid explorers of a land teeming with unknown destinations of beauty and inspiration, and we shall do it in appropriate comfort and style, thank you very much! 

Our van Anthony is quite posh, no denying that, but besides the Nespresso machine, I have added a couple other essentials – one of those folding lap desks so that I can write about the day’s adventures, and which can be found behind the driver’s seat and easily accessible, and a backpack which can store my laptop, notebooks, journal, pens, etc. I call it my Geek Bag! I know eh, fucking nerd, but listen, writers need to write, don’t they? Travel writer, blogger, essayist, poet (I did write a poem so according to my rules that qualifies me as a poet), I choose to call myself all those things because it’s my Kingdom, I can be whoever I want to be. 

Why stop there though, right? There is just so much more so let’s just go for it! Now, it’s no secret that I love food, and I am pretty certain that food loves me back. No, I am not a foodie, that’s not me taking pictures of my plate (well, I confess to doing this once or twice) from multiple angles prior to slowly picking my way through, savouring every sensory note of this gastronomic masterpiece. That… is absolutely NOT me! I attack – mangia come lupo – is what my father would say. Roughly translated from his pigeon Italian – eats like wolf! Maybe, but it doesn’t mean that I don’t enjoy what I am inhaling. They have a name for this, sort of… Gourmand! Definition? Someone who takes great pleasure and interest in consuming good food and drink! UMMMM! Yaaaaa!!! Gourmand… that’s me!

Of course if we are going to be crushing calories, there better be a workout program to offset and balance out our swinishness. Yes, for sure, you know it, it will happen, in Rocktober. You know what I am talking about, don’t you? Right now? Well… ya… see… I’m kinda busy at the moment… but come Rocktober? Fuck yeah… hitting the gym, gonna get lean and mean, maybe, but not the way you think – fuck you Peloton!!!

I actually AM busy you know. Doing what you say? Gardening. That’s right, I garden, have eleven roses too. I also am planning on doing some fly fishing – dry fly only – as a gentleman sportsman I would never debase myself angling any other way. Haven’t been out on the water yet but I will be, soon.

Oh, and there’s that golf thing! Proficiency in this noble and ancient game is a must for any gentleman sportsman. I am working diligently almost every day and am now exceptionally skilled in anger and profanity (two pre-existing areas of expertise that have fit in quite nicely out on the course) but the game itself is not improving a whole bunch. Golf is also trying to teach me patience and humility and while we are making inroads here, there is definite room for improvement. It’s all good though, because this new arena of life is bigger, grander, and there is no room for regret here. We move the ball forward; life proceeds onward and upward.  

In this pristine realm that I now inhabit, creativity is my key to the Kingdom. Imagination is the force that moves the key to unlock the gate. Go ahead, open that gate, and welcome one and all, to my Brave New World!