Why was I not aware of this sooner? When I logged in early Christmas Eve morning the Fat Man was already done with Australia and headed toward mainland Asia. From that moment until I decided to turn in for the night, I was hooked as this magical, once a year journey of joy unfolding in front of me. How many of you were doing the same thing? For the kids though, right? Yeah sure, whatever. Hey, we are all friends, right? When did you first check in? Did you just leave the tab open? How many times were you asked during the day on Santa’s whereabouts?
It’s a daunting journey to say the least, and it’s done by an elderly, overweight gentleman with comorbidities. This year he’s doing it during a world-wide pandemic where in theory he is one of the most vulnerable. At night’s end almost 8 billion presents will have been delivered and he will have put on more miles than all of us in many combined lifetimes. And think about this, he’s got those reindeer of his cranked up hot, like really hot – they rip through the night at 650 miles per second, that’s 3,000 times the speed of sound. No reindeer can do that naturally, there’s got to be steroids or blood doping (PED’s) or some combination of both. Then you must factor in the fatigue factor; Santa doesn’t do the big night in 24 hours. When accounting for time zones, it’s more like 36 to 42 hours (the resident math geeks of the internet seem to have some disagreement here). How does an old man stay awake that long? Blow? Monsters?
By now you are wondering – what the fuck is he talking about? Is he for real? None of this is possible, or actually happening. Or is it? Quantum physics says it is, or at least it could be. All Santa has to do is find a worm hole in the space/time continuum, which basically allows him to time travel. Now doing 75 and a half million miles isn’t so daunting, is it? Having this ability, one can stretch time out, compress it, whatever. While doing heavy research into this subject, I discovered that this may in fact be how Santa is able to complete such a herculean task. A disgruntled elf anonymously posted on the net what I had long suspected – worm holes leading to control of time. A word of caution though, you can’t take the word of a disgruntled elf who refuses to identify himself. Why is he disgruntled? Is he suspended from his duties? Did he fail a drug test? Was there fornication with the elvettes? One never can tell, can one? Santa, Mrs Claus, all those fornicating elves and of course the reindeer, might also be inter-dimensional beings. They may exist in a dimension not visible or understood by us humans in our 3-D world. By changing to align with our earthly vibrations the great St Nicolas et all are then able to interact with us.
Still don’t believe? Well, consider this – are there presents under your tree, or were there, from Santa? Of course, but it’s not actually him, right? You put them there. Or did you? Why has Santa, Santa Claus, St. Nick, Father Christmas, whatever you want to call him, why has he lasted through a few centuries now? What has allowed this legend to endure? It endures because the spirit of Saint Nickolas endures – it is the need to do good to others, to give something of oneself for the pleasure or happiness of another. This goodness is embodied in the jolly fat boy in the big red suit and I argue it also is in each and every one of us. That’s why at this time of year stout fellows in red suits and white beards can be seen on street corners, mall centers, children’s parties, etc. They show up and bring joy to millions of children and even adults. They bring hope, a smile, warmth. Does Santa Claus exist? Fucking rights he does!!! He lives in each and every one of us.
Merry Christmas Everyone!!!