GRUMPY CHRONICLES: Coffee Talk

 My love of coffee is not a surprise to anyone who knows me; I drink as much of it during the day as I can for as long as is humanly possible. Now I don’t have any solid, concrete basis to go on here, but I am quite certain that coffee is THE SUPER FOOD of Super Foods, for real!! That’s right, that shit is good. 

For Christmas this year Lady Hurricane got me a hand crank coffee grinder. I love it, it’s totally “old school” and it looks bad ass. I wasn’t sure if I would ever use it though because let’s face it, grinding coffee beans by hand requires effort. The seller claimed it would offer stronger flavours and fresher taste. “Yeah sure,” I thought, “whatever, heard that one before, haven’t we?” Well, the dude was shooting straight, it really does taste better, more of the Earth if you know what I mean. So that’s right, we be cranking the bean now every day. Sometimes I go through the whole prep process in the morning when I get up but again, there is that effort thing that pops up. I find it more convenient to grind in the evening before going to bed. The coffee is not quite as fresh as the morning of but hey, my palette is not near sophisticated enough to know the difference. And do you know what is better than hand grinding your coffee beans? It’s getting someone else to grind those beans for you. What? I told you I was lazy, and besides, hand grinding coffee is fun, isn’t it? Well, our 6-year-old niece certainly thought it might be when she saw me in the kitchen with my new toy from Santa.

I had no kids of my own, in a large part I suspect because God saw what he had created with me and thought, “okay, yeah, I think one of him is more than enough.” Well that’s fine, I get it, but it also makes me somewhat unfamiliar with those little beings who co-exist with us. They are sometimes noisy and often talk a great deal but, and this is often wonderfully surprising to me, what they say can sometimes be as pure as freshly falling snow. 

“What’s that?”

“It’s a coffee grinder,” I replied. “Would you like to try and grind some coffee?”

“Yes please.” 

“Okay, no problem.” Aunty was kind enough to bring us a chair, not for sitting, but to use as a step for our girl to climb up and sit fully cross legged on the counter. She was ready to tackle the business of making coffee. 

“What’s in those containers?” She was pointing at three, multi-coloured, Southwest styled cannisters on the counter she was sitting on, right beside the coffee maker. 

“The tallest one has coffee beans, the one in the middle is for tea and sugar is in the shortest one,” I replied. 

“Oh I see, so you have everything for your coffee all in one place.” She seemed impressed at my little coffee station.

“That’s right, everything for this coffee is right here. But I have another secret coffee place as well.” The revelation of hidden coffee stations intrigued her. 

“Really? Does Aunty Max know about this?” 

“Yes, she does but we keep it a secret from Bodhi (our Aussiedoodle) because Bodhi likes to steal coffee and drink it.” Full disclosure: no secret stations but my Nespresso and all its attending paraphernalia are partially hidden away in the breakfast nook. Yes, I know my coffee shit takes up a lot of space in the kitchen. Sorry, not sorry!!!

“Bodhi drinks coffee?” She wasn’t quite sure if I was bullshitting her or not, but he actually will drink unattended coffee as well as tea.

“Yes, he does, and he eats cookies too, lots of them.” 

“But not chocolate right? Dogs will get very sick if they eat chocolate.” Her wheels were turning now. 

“No, he never gets chocolate because you’re right, it would make him sick, and we don’t want Bodhi sick.” 

“Yes,” she agreed, “I don’t want Bodhi sick and I don’t want anyone sick. I know people who got really sick and died and I didn’t like that very much. Do you know anyone who got sick and died?” 

“Yeah I did and I didn’t like it very much either.”

“I wish I could have a unicorn. Do you like unicorns? I do, and I wish there were special pet stores where you could go get one and I would get one and feed it carrots and apples.” 

“That’s pretty cool,” I said. “We’ve got enough coffee for one pot now. Do you want to keep going?” 

“Yes,” she replied. 

I carefully pulled the tray of freshly ground coffee out (it looks like coarse, brown sand, if you are interested) and handed it to her. She was most attentive in emptying the coffee into the filter, even giving it a couple of taps to ensure nothing was left inside. Next up, she grabbed the scoop and dipped into the canister for more beans, careful not to spill, and re-filled the grinder.

“Are you ready?” I held the grinder firm on the counter.

“Yup, I am. Know what else I wish for?”

“What’s that?” This was getting interesting now.

“I wish everyone could have nice dreams. I sometimes have bad dreams and I don’t like them very much and I wish I could have only nice ones and I wish everyone could have nice dreams and they could imagine anything they want and then everyone’s dreams will come true!”

Now, what do you say to that? I of course whole-heartedly agreed because seriously, how could you not? But hey, she wasn’t done yet.

“Do you like candy?”

“Of course,” I replied. “Who doesn’t? But I sometimes eat too much, and it isn’t good for you.”

“Yeah, I like candy too, and sometimes my mom won’t let me have it because it will make me sick, and I’d eat candy all day long if I could. I wish candy was good for you and you could eat as much of it as you want and then I would never have to eat vegetables ever again and everyone could just eat candy because this candy would be good for you, and we’d all eat candy, and nobody would ever get sick or die again!”

Yeah, Amen to that! And the coffee she made was wonderful too!!!

Happy New Year!